Track The Scarf

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Some Other Stuff

Her stomach had settled in a twisted knot, and she fought the urge to let the tears out. It was stupid that she was upset, she didn't even know why. It was somewhere between an old crush haunting her thoughts and upset at her birthday that hadn't come yet. Her heart felt heavy, as she looked at the images, the fire goddesses juggling flames, dancing before her eyes, or the fierce girls juggling knives and she felt something close to disappointment. Her own clubs- five pro clubs- lay in her room, and she felt a guilty jolt, knowing that they had been neglected too much lately. She was loosing the J, and that was somehow equally or more important than the K lately, in KJ. Somewhere between "I'm not a superhero" and "I wish I was a superhero again." 
Today was the day of floating in between, of neither here nor there. She was tired of standing, and summer at home was eating her away. She wanted something more, so much more. She wanted to run and dance and play, and teach girls that life was meant to be fun and free. She wanted to go to the city and juggle in the streets. She wanted to stay here, but have a sheep farm and share it with That Someone, whoever he was. She wanted to quit feeling sad and sorry, she wanted to be able to run marathons, or bike thousands of miles in less than a month. She wanted to quit being afraid of cars and highways. She wanted to burst out and tell her mother that she wanted to knit the worlds longest scarf, and tell her dad that she was K.J., and that she could juggle clubs and wanted to do so much more than that. She wanted a guy that she could just know was around, that understood that her life was already hurt, and that she would never be able to tell him All Of It. Somewhere between that motorcycle crash, and hearing the tones drop for an airplane crash. She wanted to own a yarn shop, but wanted to be a Paramedic, who would go and try to save lives all over the world at the drop of a call. 
Honestly, she wanted to be More. So Much More than where she was, sitting at the desk in the tight tank top and flowy skirt, realizing that she was crying, over something as silly as that guy not talking to her, and realizing that her goal of buying juggling knives this summer wasn't going to happen. 

Somewhere in the Land Of Between, between being who she was at that moment, and What She Wanted To Be. 

           And that something was So Much More. 

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